In 2007 my symptoms started to show but they were so minimal I didn’t really notice. I was gaining a bit of extra weight but didn’t think too much of it and I also began breaking out on my face but attributed it to changing face washes. My sister used proactive so I started using it too! I saw a bit of improvement but still suffered from above average blemishes. In 2008/2009 I started gaining weight a little more noticeably, which was unusual for me as I had always been very slim and never had any issues with my diet or exercise controlling my weight. I assumed that my metabolism was slowing down because I was getting older – I had always heard this would happen!! Of course I was sad that it actually was, I'd always been so lucky being naturally skinny. I was also asked to be in two weddings the summer of 2009 so I joined the gym and started going before work every morning – even got myself a personal trainer to make sure it was effective!! Of course it was not and it was getting so frustrating. Putting all this time and effort in and not losing a pound. I was beginning to wonder if something was wrong. I had also begun to get really bad breakouts of acne along my chin, on my chest and on my back. I was devastated because it was so bad and I was always trying to hide behind my hair - ponytails were not my friend. I went to see my doctor about my concerns and she sent me for some blood tests to check my hormones and eventually gave me a referral to a dermatologist. That dermatologist barely even looked at me though, just gave me a slew of topical treatments, antibiotics, threatened Accutane and suggested his clinics line of face wash and mineral makeup. I ended up switching to another dermatologist who took a bit more of a closer look and thought it was my hormones, but treatments didn’t change too much. A friend of mine actually suggested dermalogica as a face wash and clindets as a topical aid which my dermatologist prescribed. These things seemed to help.
Meanwhile people started noticing which made me feel super self-conscious. I’m a grade one-two teacher and I got the question from a child “are you having a baby?” which really hit home. I know kids don’t know any better but the fact that the thought crossed her mind really made me think of what everyone else saw. A parent of one of my students is in Chinese medicine and she approached me one day to express her concern for my health because she thought something wasn’t right from the physical symptoms she’d seen develop over the year. She assumed it was stress (from the busy job and my dad was going through cancer treatment) and actually gave me some Chinese herbs and tea to help decrease it. Unfortunately these remedies didn't really help.
When my dad was diagnosed with cancer for the second time it really hit me hard. Shortly after this the symptoms seems to worsen so I figured it was stress from worrying about him and not being able to be home with my family, my demanding job, and just getting older. People would say to me that it was ok to gain a little weight because I was having a tough year, so naturally I just kind of went with that. I went to the doctor a couple more times to try and figure out if there were other underlying reasons but all they suggested was getting counselling and going to the gym more frequently. After that comment I just felt so stupid I couldn’t face going back because I felt like they just saw me as a fat mess who wasn’t taking care of herself and was looking for an excuse for it. I'd been going to the gym 3 mornings a week, yoga once a week and seeing a trainer once a week - and to hear "Go to the gym more it is not enough" made me wonder how much more I could do? what are other people doing that I'm not? I thought I was being quite active.
My family was really worried about me this whole time. Later I would find out that they had often said to each other that something wasn't right with me and they thought I was sick. I just wasn’t looking like myself anymore because of the weight gain, I was sore and tired a lot, and my skin was still bad. My mom kept asking me to go back to the doctor but I was just so hesitant because I thought I was just feeling sorry for myself and making things up. I would have mood swings too and crying fits for no reason. Well I suppose most were due to just feeling awful about myself. I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror and just felt so ugly and not like me. I felt so afraid that no one would ever want to be with me and I think this poor self-confidence has really had an impact on my love life. Still alone, but thinking no one will want to be with me in this state, so I’ll just wait until I get a bit skinnier to date. It started making me not wanting to go out at all because I just didn’t like the way I looked and didn’t have the energy. I also stopped wanting to go back home for visits because I was afraid of what people would think and say when they saw me because I’ve gained so much weight. It isn’t the only symptom I suffer from but it is the most obvious. People often just make assumptions when they see someone who has gained weight even though there could be a legitimate reason for it.
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