A positive thing about being off work is it is giving me lots of time to prepare for Christmas!! Its funny, my friends still insist I’m one of the busiest people they know because I seem to be constantly on the go. Gotta keep busy! I’m not even sure what I do with my time haha I guess I just see friends more than I used to which is great. Plus I am busy with doctor’s appointments that don’t tell me any news, ugh. Gotta go for constant monitoring though. My blood pressure and heart rate are still really high so now I have to get some cardio testing done. If it isn’t one thing it is another. I’m really getting my use of the health care system that’s for sure!!
I was working on my parent’s Christmas gift – they have been married for 30 years this year so I wanted to make them a photo book of pictures of the past 30 years together. I wanted to give it to them for their anniversary but the whole brain surgery thing kinda got in the way. Anyway, I was looking at the photos and it just hit me how much I have changed because of this disease. I look like a totally different person. It was actually really hard to see myself as I am now. I saw some pictures of just 3 years ago and I remember thinking at the time wow I am really getting fat I need to do something about this…and I look so skinny, especially compared to what I am now. I think the worst part of the weight gain is the “moon face” which is symptomatic of Cushing’s. It really does make me look totally different and I hate it, I really do. I look in the mirror and its like it isn’t me staring back and now I look at pictures and forget what I used to look like. I can’t wait to get this under control and for the weight to start to come off. I feel very vain being so fixated on this but it really is one of the hardest things to deal with, no wonder depression is a symptom of Cushings too – it really takes a toll on the self esteem. Being heavy is so uncomfortable and its hard to find clothes that fit, plus I feel like people are judging me all the time. With Cushings most of the weight gain is around the middle but not in the limbs so most clothes are too tight in the middle yet super baggy everywhere else so its impossible to find anything that fits. Clothes shopping just isn’t fun. I’m constantly trying to find ways to hide my body and often leave the mall in tears empty handed. Just gotta remember, its temporary. We will cure this. It will get better. Until then, bring on the leggings! They are pretty comfy anyway.
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